Aside
from speaking and listening, one of the most important factors in establishing
effective communication is the understanding of the underlying emotions behind
the communication. Specifically,
emotional safety plays an important role in determining whether a conversation
will succeed or fail.
When
emotional safety is present in an interaction, communication is often open,
fluid, and spontaneous. In the absence
of emotional safety, people tend to feel guarded, hesitant, or even hostile
when they speak with each other. Examples
where emotional safety may be compromised in everyday life would include disagreements
with colleagues at work, or a heated argument with your spouse at home.
Unfortunately,
people often resort to using criticism, blame, shame, or sarcasm when they feel
frustrated, angry or disappointed. As a result, an unsafe emotional environment is
created which causes the recipient of such communication to act defensively. Instead of speaking with the intention to
exchange information, people become preoccupied with protecting themselves when
they feel unsafe, leading to a communication breakdown.
In
the 1980’s, psychologist John Gottman created a “love lab” at the University of
Seattle, as part of his research on marriage.
In this study, over 3,000 couples were studied and the success of their
marriages were tracked for up to 14 years.
Surprisingly, Gottman was able to predict with 91% accuracy whether a
couple would stay happily together or divorce after listening to the couple
interact in the “love lab” for as little as five minutes.
Over
the course of his research, Gottman was able to make his predictions based on
the communication patterns he observed when people were engaged in a
discussion. The patterns that he
observed that made him predict divorce included: criticism, harsh start-up of a
discussion, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. All of these patterns involve forms of
communication that lead to an unsafe emotional environment which drastically
increase an individual’s stress level.
Over time, problems begin to surface and relationships can rupture under
such build-up.
As
much as John Gottman’s study focuses on the subject of marriage, the idea of creating
emotional safety as a foundation for effective communication is certainly
applicable in other areas as well. How
often have you witnessed the same type of negative communication patterns in professional,
personal, or social settings that have left people feeling disconnected, sad, or
angry?
Becoming
more aware of the impact of both what you say and how you say something is one
of the first steps towards improving your communication. After all, effective communication isn’t just
about a set of superficial skills; it is also about developing the
understanding of the emotions underneath the communication.
To
learn more about the art of effective communication, please join us for our
October workshop: Mindful Communication, Healthy Relationships. Follow this link for more information: http://www.helen-tang.com/Workshops-Counselling.html
Helen Tang, RPC, CHt, CMA
Registered Professional Counsellor & Couples Therapist
Office: South Surrey, BC
Email: htang88@telus.net
Providing marriage & couples counselling services to the communities of
White Rock, Surrey, Delta & Langley, BC
White Rock, Surrey, Delta & Langley, BC
